INTERVIEWER, DALLAS ALICE, AGE 23: (WHAT YOU HEAR):
Today we will be interviewing Janet Starletta, a legend of stage, screen and television.
(TRANSLATION): Aren’t you curious about how much Janet Starletta has aged in the past ten years? We’re going to find out just how wrinkled and pitiful she is!
DALLAS ALICE: (WHAT YOU HEAR):
Welcome, Ms. Starletta. It’s wonderful to see you. I believe the last time we met was at the premiere of your last movie, “Lust In The Afternoon”. We’re honored that you’ve agreed to an interview with us, since I know that you’re rather reticent about such things.
(TRANSLATION): Finally we’re gonna get a look at how the mighty have fallen. You’ve been holed up in your house in the Hollywood Hills for the past ten years. Rumor has it you’ve gone berserk. I guess you must have really needed the money since you deigned to sit with a lowly reporter after all this time!
JANET STARLETTA (WHAT YOU HEAR):
Thank you, Alice. It’s a pleasure to be here. But, gee, I would’ve thought that “Lust in the Afternoon” was a little before your time.
(TRANSLATION): I’d rather be having root canal than sitting here with a vapid little twerp like you.
DALLAS: (WHAT YOU HEAR):
Well, “Lust in the Afternoon” was my mom’s favorite movie. She must have rented it twenty times! I remember watching it with her one afternoon when I had the mumps when I was in second grade.
(TRANSLATION): You are ancient and I am young and beautiful.
DALLAS (WHAT YOU HEAR): Let’s show a clip from “Lust” so that some of our viewers who may not have seen the movie can understand why you’re such a legend.
(TRANSLATION): You’re no longer on the radar screen, so we’ll have to bring the general viewing public up to speed.
(CLIP. WE SEE MS. STARLETTA DRESSED IN A BLACK LACE TEDDY, FISHNET STOCKINGS AND STILLETO HEELS. SHE IS ABOUT THIRTY POUNDS LIGHTER THAN SHE NOW APPEARS AND HER FACE IS FLAWLESS. AFTER ABOUT 10 SECONDS OF DIALOG, THE CAMERA FREEZES ON HER YOUNG, FABULOUS FACE, AND IT STAYS UP THERE WHILE THE INTERVIEW CONTINUES).
DALLAS: Well, you certainly were a beauty!
TRANSLATION: You were so much younger then! What happened?!
JANET STARLETTA: Thank you, Alice. Well, time marches on. (nervous giggle)
TRANSLATION: I’m dying here! Please stop torturing me!
DALLAS: I guess the question on all our viewers’ minds is – What’s next for Janet Starletta?
TRANSLATION: Any life-threatening diseases yet?
STARLETTA: Well, I’ve been donating my time to A.L.F. – the Animal Liberation Front. I believe that it’s time we spoke up for the most helpless among us, and. . .
DALLAS: How wonderful! Well, we’re just about out of time. Thank you, Ms. Starletta, for allowing us a glimpse into your busy life.
TRANSLATION: Okay, that’s it. You’re out of time, and I’m out of patience. But hey – it’s always a kick to pry into the pathetic lives of ex-starlets.
STARLETTA: It’s my pleasure, Alice.
TRANSLATION: Drop dead.
© 2004 Robin Munson